What does it mean to actually want to change? How do we change?
I spend a lot of time thinking about change, well I guess it’s more recently during this pandemic, or to be even more specific the months leading up to the pandemic. See, once upon a time I had a life. My small business was doing ok, I had fiancé I loved and would eventually marry, three dogs, and a group of friends who loved me. But that all fell apart. My fiancé cheated on me and left me. I’d stumble on her Facebook messages saved on my second laptop and see how she had really felt and for how long and all the lies. Eventually I’d connect with her ex and find out all sorts of crazy things. She’d been lying our whole relationship. Like lying about everything. My business would shut down due to the pandemic and I’d have to reinvent it. I’d lose my dogs. I’d discover depression, or more precisely, she would find me, make a home inside me, and help me discover the absolute abyss that laid there. I’d struggle with suicide. Write an EP as a goodbye, and choose to go on. I’d spend months crying and then silence. The inertia would fill me, take complete control and I would zombie my way through rebuilding.
Somewhere in those moments I’d understand that if I continued this way I I’d die. Either metaphorically or physically.
So I chose to change.
I didn’t want to, I’d be a liar if I said it was easy. Honestly? It sucked.
But each and every day I made the choice to keep moving.
So two years later, I’m thinking of change. How do we change?
I think it comes down to choosing.
Choose one healthy action.
Imagine the you you’ve always wanted to be. Be as descriptive as possible, clothes, attitude, job, books you’d read, video games you’d play. Hold that image of yourself.
Now everyday stop a moment and remember that person, hold them in your heart, in your mind. You’re already that person.
Every choice that comes up? What would that version of you, the true you, do? What would they choose? Even if it’s hard, or if it’s scary. Choose to be who you’ve always known you are.
Keep doing this, and yes, sometimes you’ll make the wrong choice, but it’s not about the bad choice, it never has been about that, it’s about what you do after. Do you shift the blame? Make up excuses you don’t even believe? Or do you take responsibility? Say hey, I’m sorry, I messed up, how do we make this better? Sometimes you won’t be able to make it better my friend. Sometimes you’ll lose a friend, or trust, or a job. Those things you can’t control, but you can take responsibility. You can try to make things right. You can learn from this experience.
I guess at the end of the day, you just have to choose. I still choose everyday and I know I’ll continue to choose for the rest of the time I’ve got left breathing.